


The Will and the Way

by Ceewelsh



Category: Loaded March (Merlin Fanfic Series), Merlin (TV)
Genre: Domestic, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loaded March, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:01:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27379138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ceewelsh/pseuds/Ceewelsh
Summary: Years after the events ofLoaded March, Kay is settled into his life. A life that involves his makeshift family with Will and Bran.But with Bran leaving the nest, the increasing rift between Kay and Will becomes more apparent. They've been through hell together, but will it be normal civilian life, and feelings unnamed and unspoken, that break them apart?
Relationships: Kay (Arthurian)/Will (Merlin), Will Kendrick & Kay Lawhead & Bran Killson, Will Kendrick/Kay Lawhead
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	The Will and the Way

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [At the End We Begin Again](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4729046) by [Footloose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Footloose/pseuds/Footloose). 



> The summary is fairly vague because I don't know where I'm going to go with this. I'm tidying it up and putting what I have so far out into the world. In part this was prompted by me remembering this while prompting [clotpolesonly](https://clotpolesonly.tumblr.com/post/633729760247349248/i-was-halfway-through-writing-you-a-slightly) with mildly angsty _what if Will feels left out_ feels. Which is I think what this is going to be looking into.  
> I am posting at 4AM because anxiety and insomnia combined are a bitch. Hopefully posting this will lead to me _actually finishing_ this fic that ~~I just checked tumblr to find out~~ I started in 2015.  
> No beta because I am a fool. It's probably a lil ooc but I'm gonna chalk that up to it being a few years post-canon and/or deal with it later.
> 
> **Please see end notes for content warning**

Kay was at somewhat of a loose end after leaving the army. They had all left at the same time. It wasn’t so much that they were finally ready to leave – they had been ready to leave for some time – it was that three years after the near-apocalypse, the world was finally ready for them to.  
Kay had been close to just re-upping, but he didn’t tell anyone that. He was just so unsure of what to do, and the army had always felt right.

When he first returned to London, to a home that he and Will bought as a promise to Bran for the time marked as After the Army, Kay thought that he could help Bran with moving in permanently and help him with his schooling, and generally being a house-husband. As it turned out, most of the house was already kitted out through each of the visits while one or both of Will and Kay were on R&R, and helping Bran with schooling had only lasted two years before he caught up with his GCSEs and was moving onto A Levels in subjects that Kay wasn’t particularly well brushed up on.

On top of that, Kay was bored of being at home. The army instilled a certain sense of routine that he found he needed in his life. Just wandering about his day not knowing what to do sometimes gave Kay terrifying flashes of the life he’d had before meeting Arthur and the guys who would become Excalibur. Life without structure was not for him.

Briefly, Kay had entertained the idea of going back into education himself, but he soon remembered that although he was intelligent (something he sometimes doubted, but only for as long as it took for one of his teammates to get wind of it and knock some sense into him), he wasn’t academic. Pendragon Consulting, although running far more smoothly and in a much less corrupt way with Morgana at the helm, wasn’t the path for Kay. He’d tried it part-time while being a stay-at-home dad, and then full-time for the first year of Bran’s A Levels, but it really wasn’t for him. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but it didn’t give him the sense of purpose he hadn’t realised he needed.

Bran and Kay were sitting eating while Will was babysitting Aithusa. Usually, Kay went with him, but Will had assured him that he would be _perfectly fine_ thank you very much, particularly since he was _Aithusa’s favourite uncle_ and she _always_ behaved well for him and _surely she’d be asleep anyway_?

Kay had his mobile right next to him for when the inevitable call for back-up came.

Kay noticed that Bran kept taking a breath in as if he was about to say something, but nothing came. Whilst he knew that sometimes he needed to push Bran to say what was on his mind, this time Kay just waited until he was ready, fetching some bread to mop up the sauce.

“Do you…” Bran started finally. “Do you ever feel guilty?”

“What do you mean?” Kay asked, glancing up. He looked back at his food when he realised Bran wasn’t going to make eye contact.

“I mean, I-I…” Bran sighed. “I’m going to university. Seven years ago, I wasn’t sure if I’d make it to the end of the year. I thought it might’ve been the winter, or the lack of food, or if I started using that could be it, or… there were some days when the Thames looked tempting.” Kay knew now why they were having this conversation without Will. As much as Will was as protective of Bran as Kay was, Kay was the one who understood. Kay had lived on the streets for a time and he knew how bad it was, how hard it was. There was a pause. Kay wasn’t sure whether Bran was about to continue, or if he should say something.  
“Then you guys found me. You saved me. And then you saved me again by taking me with you. You’ve given me this new life and you’ve given me a home and I just feel guilty.”

“You don’t need to feel guilty.” Kay assured him quickly. “You’re not any kind of burden. You’ve done us more good than we have you to be honest. I mean, fuck, Will and I would’ve killed each other or gone our separate ways by now if we didn’t have you to think of.” Kay had a sneaking suspicion that maybe _killed each other_ was a bit dramatic, but without Bran, they definitely wouldn’t be this family.

“I know that, I mean like money-wise—”

“Money-wise, we’re fine. You know that. As much as Arthur likes to pretend, we notice the extra he puts in our account, we do. You’re not a financial burden.” Kay looked up to an exasperated Bran.

“Da- Kay, listen to what I’m saying.” Kay stopped, and nodded for Bran to continue. “I don’t feel bad for cramping yours and Will’s style, okay? I feel guilty because like why do I get this chance when there were plenty of intelligent, kind-hearted people every fucking day on the streets who weren’t getting the chances I am now? Fuck, there were people who were arseholes but they still didn’t deserve that shit.” Bran held eye contact as he continued.  
“I just think that if we have all of this money and, let’s face it, power, I mean, everyone knows our story, right? Shouldn’t we be doing more good with it?”

“Yeah. We should.” Kay glanced down, frowning at the lump in his throat. “Maybe we should-” He was cut off by the vibration coming from the table.

“Continue this discussion soon,” Kay finished, answering the phone, “Will? What? How on earth did you…? Never mind, it’s you I can only imagine how… She’s what? Will what have you done? Fuck me you’re an idiot. I’m on my way.”

Kay rolled his eyes at Bran as he got up. “Your father has managed to get the dragon queen into a tantrum so bad that Nid has shown up and is refusing to let him give her a bath and put her to bed.”

“Why’s he my father when he’s done something stupid? He’s your…” Bran faltered a little, “friend? Live-in platonic life partner? Comrade? Brother in arms and now in crockery and vases?” Bran grinned, and then it faded suddenly. “Wait, is Nid in dragon form or human?”

“He’s… Oh fuck, Will didn’t say. Which probably means dragon. Shit. Keys? Where are my keys?”

* * *

Over the summer, Kay and Bran started to formulate a plan to get some help going for the homeless youth. They decided to start with just the one section of London so that they could work out exactly what they needed to do as they went.  
They worked with existing charities to create joint foundations and one by one, all members of Excalibur and their families became involved in one way or another. Lance helped them work out what medical resources they would need; Morgana helped them set up an infrastructure to the business; Merlin helped them work out how to ward the buildings without suppressing magic; everyone chipped in with their services, or helped by finding buildings, or resources, or other people who could help them. Everyone except Will.

Kay didn’t really understand it. He was aware that Will thought neither he nor Bran would notice, but they did. How couldn’t they when they lived together?  
Bran didn’t mention it, though, so neither did Kay. Anytime they started discussing it, Will left the room, claiming he had work to finish, or had someone to visit. Once Bran left for university, Will never mentioned it, and left the room once he had spoken to Bran whenever he rang. Kay decided that it was something he could deal with at a later time, and instead spent his time and energy on putting together a proposal which was good enough to submit to the relevant people.

Having Arthur around was good, because it meant that anything that could be a problem was thought of; all the possibilities were looked after. A small part of him thought that Will’s skills with statistics and probability would have come in useful more than once. It was difficult, though, to bring it up.  
Will avoided the subject like the plague, and when it came down to it, Kay didn’t want to bring it up and risk upsetting the delicate balance between them. It was hard already enough now that Bran had moved out. Before Bran left, they were living together because it was convenient for Bran. If neither of them really dated for long, or even spoke about potential partners in front of the other, well, that was neither here nor there. They’d grown into their weird dynamic for their small family, and no-one really wanted to upset the balance.

So they ended up just continuing on with their lives. In an unspoken compromise, neither of them spoke about work, and there were strict rules (also unspoken) about work not being in the shared spaces, or done after seven in the evening.  
Kay never thought he’d get empty nest syndrome - never thought he'd have a nest to become empty - but he knew both he and Will were feeling it. It was present in the way they’d sometimes glance at the empty space at their table, or how they’d sometimes forget that Bran was no longer a viable reason not to go out when they couldn’t be arsed.  
Gwaine was constantly trying to get them to go out and _meet people_ or _at least give a go at finding something_. If Kay thought that the reason he was declining was that a small part of him knew he’d already found that something, well. It was just another thing unspoken.

“Right, that’s enough.” Gwaine announced as he barged into their house the moment Will opened the door.

“Does he realise we have no idea what he’s talking about?” Kay asked Will with a grin.

“I think he just likes talking as if he’s in the middle of a conversation, makes him feel like he’s in a film or something,” Will grinned back.

“ _This_ is what I’m talking about.” Gwaine replied, gesturing at the pair of them. “You’re in t-shirts and boxers like you’re about to go to bed!”

“...and?” Kay asked with a frown. They _had_ just been talking about getting an early night, not that that was any of Gwaine's business.

“ _And_ you’re two still relatively young, single, apparently vaguely attractive – no accounting for taste in your case, Will – men. You’re acting like you’re an old couple with three kids from three to fifteen. You keep avoiding going on a night out with me, but tonight is the night!” Gwaine grinned at them both, as if waiting for applause or something.

“That was strangely specific.” Will said, looking to Kay to provide whatever excuse they were going with tonight.

Kay remembered all too well why they had been avoiding another night out with Gwaine. Or at least he did. The first time he had dragged them both out for a night out after they left the army, it had lead to complications. For Kay anyway.

It had been Gwaine who had suggested that he would get the first round and then got them two pints each. In hindsight, that should have been a warning sign since Gwaine never bought drinks out of his own pocket if he could help it. Perceval had just laughed and downed the first one as a challenge. So admittedly, some of the blame could be placed on Perce.  
It had definitely been Gwaine, however, who had bought the shots. It had been around that point that the night started to get a little fuzzy.  
As much as the other three would later dispute his claims, no-one was entirely sure that Gwaine hadn’t in fact single-handedly convinced the bar staff to give them all a good few free drinks purely by beating them in arm wrestling competitions. The only real reason they assumed that he was lying (apart from the obvious reason that it was _Gwaine_ ) was that he also claimed to have beaten Perceval.  
All in all, by the time they had staggered up the road to home, they had been well and truly shitfaced. After a few failed attempts at putting the key in the lock, Gwaine had declared it fate that they should carry on to a new destination and continue the drinking. Luckily for their livers, their heads, and their sanity, the door had opened on the next attempt and Perceval had hauled Gwaine, who had attempted to make his escape to the next pub, over his shoulder and barrelled into the flat.

When Perceval had cheerfully moved towards Kay’s bedroom, Kay had put a hand on his arm to stop him.

“Wrong way, the door is that way.”

“Gwaine said you’d all arranged us to crash here?” Perceval had said with a frown. Kay assumed that the answer of _no, not even slightly_ was written all over his face and Perceval’s face fell. Fuck. For such a huge guy, Perceval’s sad puppy look was really effective.

And that had been how Kay and Will ended up sharing Will's bed. And things had become complicated.

It wasn't as if Kay had never shared sleeping space with Will before that. Between time in the army and the camping trips with Excalibur, they'd slept next to each other plenty. In fact after coming back to England, they'd shared a bed more than a few times, sometimes with Bran, sometimes without. Usually, one had had a night terror or something had triggered them and they needed grounding. Kay had had a period of about three weeks where he'd needed to check that Bran and Will were breathing every few hours and Will had ended up just telling him to stay in his bed so they could _both at least get some bloody sleep_.

Before the night out with Gwaine, they had shared a bed. Sometimes they had even fallen asleep with a hand on the other’s arm to ground them. They'd never slept with Kay's head on Will's chest, Will's breathing lulling him to sleep, Kay's arm secure around Will's torso.  
Will had never mentioned anything about it, and so neither had Kay. He remembered though, and that had made him start questioning how their dynamic worked and that had been when he realised maybe it was more complicated than he had initially thought.

So no, Kay didn't want to go out with Gwaine. He knew that Gwaine would be able to see Kay thinking and after a few drinks, he would ask about it. Kay was fairly certain he'd wanted to ask for about two years, but Kay had been careful to leave a buffer there when they were drunk.

"Gwaine, mate. I can't. I still have some paperwork to look over. Arthur sent some addendums that I'd really like to have checked before we send it to the solicitor." Kay said. He tried not to notice Will looking at him. Kay hadn't said anything about it beforehand because the plan had previously been an early night and he could look it over in bed. Not to mention the whole not mentioning thing.

Gwaine opened his mouth to protest, when Will spoke, surprising them both.

“You know what? Yeah. I could do with a night in town. You’re right, it’s been too long. We’ll leave Mr Business here to his files.” Will smirked, getting up and going into the other room, Kay assumed to change. Gwaine gaped after him, then turned a questioning look on Kay.

“Everything alright with you two?” Gwaine’s voice was suddenly full of concern. It was sometime easy to forget in Gwaine’s wild exaggerations and cocky one-liners, but Gwaine cared deeply for his friends. Kay thought back on the months of Will leaving the room, never getting involved in the foundation, and now that he thought of it, withdrawing from Kay. In all honesty, things with Will hadn’t been this bad since before they left the army for good.

Gwaine must have seen some of that cross his face, because he nodded once. “I’ll take Will out tonight. We’ll de-stress and that. Call Bran or Merlin tonight, yeah?”

“You’re just taking Will out because Perce isn’t here, don’t pretend this isn’t for you.” Kay said, but Gwaine’s smirk said he heard the _thank you_ underneath it all.

* * *

Talking to Bran hadn’t made Kay feel better. Bran had just confirmed what Kay thought: _Yes, Will was acting weird. Yes, it had been happening for a while, but seemed to be getting worse. No, Bran couldn’t work out why._

Kay stared at the papers he was meant to be checking without seeing them at all. His mind was completely focussed on how the fuck he hadn’t realised that his family was starting to fall apart. Maybe he was being dramatic, maybe it wasn’t anything. But maybe Will was days from moving out. It’s not like he had any reason to stay anymore. Or maybe he’d ask Kay to move out. What were they even doing now - playing house like they were normal people?

Kay had been meaning to bring it up for months now, years if he really thought. Years of slowly slipping further away. Little things, it was. How long ago was it that Will had stopped sitting in when Bran and Kay were practicing magic? Kay had thought it was because it got tedious after a while since they weren’t doing anything interesting in comparison to growing up with Merlin, but what if that hadn’t been it?

How many times had Kay assumed he knew how Will felt? How many times had he been wrong? How close was Will to leaving and why had Kay not noticed before how bored he was of the life with Kay? Had he only stayed for this long for Bran? What else did Kay think that Will was staying for? Kay could feel the panic building and building and the irony didn’t escape him that the one person who usually calmed him back down out of a panic attack was Will. Had Kay been too much for Will? Was this why he wanted to leave? Will had his own traumas to deal with, maybe dealing with Kay’s too was too much? No, that was unfair to Will. Was it? Was it? Was it?

Kay was gasping for air and shuddering. He hadn’t had a panic attack over this small of a thing in years. His head was spinning and he couldn’t see, couldn’t breathe. He heard a tinny voice from somewhere but didn’t remember dialling, couldn’t even really understand what the voice was saying. It was counting. Counting was good. Kay knew he had to count to breathe.

“ _...five. Okay? We’re nearly home I promise. We’re gonna breathe in again now, nice and slow, one... two... three... four. Good, hold that. Now breathe out... one... two... three... four... five._ ” Kay heard a door opening with a delay as the sound came through the phone as well and then Will was there, holding him up, counting his breath in his ear. He kept breathing in time with Will’s commands. He could hear water running in the other room, and Gwaine appeared with a glass of water, concern fierce on his face. Will went as if to ask Kay what caused it, but changed his mind at the last second and kept counting.  
Kay closed his eyes, and just kept breathing.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Content warnings:** There is very mild reference to past suicidal thoughts. It is one line that starts "I-I mean". Skip to "You don’t need to feel guilty.” to skip it.  
> Kay has a panic attack. It starts with "How many times had Kay assumed he knew how Will felt?" and ends when the chapter does.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


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